I Just Don’t Know

Thinking of the future terrifies me. It really does. Thoughts of if I’ll ever get married or have kids or what my job will be in ten years. I don’t even want to think about next year. But past all those thoughts is the truly scary for me.
I love my boyfriend, I do. But there are those times when it just really makes you wonder if you want to be with this person the rest of your life. Right now I am truly angry and I’ll probably try to stay angry for a while. I like to think I trust my boyfriend, but when something happens that is out of left field when for the longest time we’ve been so in sync it’s shacking. Thoughts of are things like this going to continue start to swirl around.
My ex made me very uneasy about certain things. Money is one of them. The plain fact that money is one of the leading causes of fights in relationships and then eventually divorces. My parents fought about money all the time. My parents are divorced. Things like that make me really worry if I’ll ever get married or if I’ll just end up having a string on boyfriends. Or if I’ll just turn into a crazy cat lady.
The truth is everytime a boyfriend asks me if I see us getting married someday I never do. To be totally honest I don’t want to live past 40. What do I really have going that will make me want to continue living this life? In about 15 years I will be 40, my mom will most likely not be living anymore, my dad will most definitely be dead (not the best health to start with) and where will I be? Still stuck in this hell hole, working the same job that I hate? Will I even be with my boyfriend still?
I know we’re not supposed to know what happens but if I am 40 and still in Arizona I will be planning something to change.


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