I am sitting here in front of my laptop waiting for my boyfriend to pass out, playing music off of YouTube for him. I really don’t know why I haven’t enjoyed listening to music a lot lately. I guess I reserve music for when I am trying to be inspired and write. But other than that I like to watch my same old TV shows; like Futurama, The Venture Brothers, Ugly Americans and Archer. I never get bored of them.
But that being said I really love listening to Watsky. It’s what I have on now. I guess you could say I really relate to Watsky. He doesn’t seem like he’s been to a lot of extremes like other people (people like my boyfriend or my ex), like being homeless or addicted to drugs that were actually very harmful to you (meth, coke, heroin, blah blah blah….) He seems pretty structured, if that makes sense in my drunken state.
Right now I am drinking some cheap Vodka with some Dr. Pepper. One of my favorites. Maybe if I drink enough I’ll sleep some tonight. Lately since I’ve been so stressed about maybe having breast cancer I haven’t been sleeping a lot. It’s pretty scary. I mean what would you do if you hadn’t really been legitimately planning for something like this for your life (my entire plan was to never take chemo therapy or radiation but just get my medical marijuana (kind of amazed I spelled that right the first time…) card and just be stoned as shit until my untimely or timely death, depending on how old I was when my cancer would be discovered.)? I mean I am 23 and I could have a life threatening disease. There’s so much I could do with my life if it isn’t cancer. I could go on to finish college, get my masters in Psychology against my father’s complaints, live in Oregon with my current boyfriend, maybe get married, have a kid or two (which has always been a big maybe in my life, if not more of a definite no….[I’ve never wanted kids really…]). What if it is cancer and I am too far too late to do anything about it and I am dead within a year or less?
Well my plans are travel as much as I can and before it can advance to far to just pain and awfulness go skydiving and never pull that damn cord. Just flip over on my back and stare at the sky and let that be the last thing I see, it would be awesome to go at night to be able to see all the beautiful stars. Maybe before that I would try to actually write a book and finish it. I’ve tried before, but I never fucking finish. I get like maybe 30 typed pages and get stuck. But I would try. I would. Just for my old roommate Shyanne. She really wanted me to finish one that was zombie related. Or I could go out The Fountain style where I tell the person closest to me and the story to finish it. Maybe I’ll watch that tonight. It’s a beautiful movie and story and I encourage anyone will a soul to watch it.
But back to my somewhat original point…I have been terrified I maybe pregnant. I am fairly certain I am not right now though. But if my inevitable end could be nearing what if I were? Honestly I’ve never really considered even having children until I’ve been with my current boyfriend, Randall. He’s sweet, loving and just amazing. Compared to some of my exes I am lucky to have him. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking but I love him and I wouldn’t mind having a child with him. I would hope to have a little girl with him and name her Rori, with an I at the end for my mom, Lori. God this is getting too emotional for me.
Things like this scary the living shit out of me. Truly. So I am going to stop now, once I find a cool picture to put into this post. I don’t even know what yet. Yes I Google my pictures! Don’t judge me! I know other bloggers do it too!